suicidalluvpoem @ : Old Stuff...
I found a bunch of my of my old poems, and I thought I'd post them to see what you guys thought!
I cut myself
to see if I still bleed
I hurt myself
to see if I can still feel
than this black emptiness
anything other than this pain.
I'm so lost
there's no one left to save me
I'm living on a black cloud
waiting for the next disaster.
I wish for death
but there is no salvation for me
no chance for happiness
I want what I can never have
and all I have is this cold reality
where everyone is fake
and no one understands me,
where love is just a fantasy
and my eyes are always filled with tears.
All I have are fears
so all I can do
is cut myself to see if I still bleed.
These days are filled with endless sunshine
while my soul is filled with endless night
I've lost all hope
lost all feeling
all I can do is long for release
from this hell
hope for death to free me
from this life of emptiness.
I can't remember
a time when I could still feel
anything but this bleak lack of hope
and all I can do is cry
and wait for the salvation
that I know will never come.
There is no feeling left in me
no happiness or sunshine
no sadness or tears
just this empty pain
that I know will never fade.
There's nothing that matters
and no one who cares
no love in my life
no reason to life.
I yearn for the medicine
that will end my suffering
there's no place for me on this earth
no one who really needs me here
no reason for me to continue to live
nothing but emptiness.
When I dream
I see visions of death
my feelings for you are killing me
tearing me apart
from the inside out.
Want nothing more than to be with you
but I know that we will never be
you're blind to everything I am
you'll never see the real me.
You think you're so grown up
but you will never be
still you're the only one I see
and it's going to be the destruction of me.
and nobody cares to
I hide behind a disguise
never allowing anyone ever
to break through the shield
I've built around my heart.
I'm slowly dieing inside
losing all capability to feel emotion
wishing for peace
wishing for death
my suffering will end.
I can fake a smile
and I can fake a laugh
to cover up the hate
that's building inside.
No longer caring,
not sure if I ever did
I slip further and further away
from all I sohould be holding on to.
Does anybody even notice
does anybody even care
about the pain I hold inside
the hurt that's always there?
They all think they know me
but no one really knows
how weak I really am
or how cold my heart is.
I'm losing myself
not caring anymore
livings become nothing more
thank endless days of empty cold.
I'm trying to be strong
trying to find myself
trying to find my place
in this cold world.
In The Past:
Loving you is like a dagger
cutting chunks off of my heart
till theres nothing left of me to give
till theres nothing left of me at all.
I'm becoming frozen inside
caring about nothing anymore
and I know that you're the reason
for everything that I've become.
Silly of me to think
that you could ever care
I should have known better
you're too afraid of what we could have.
Now it's time for me to leave
to get on with my life
to leave the love we could have had
in a closet in the past.
I really love you
despite all efforts not to
I know that I shouldn't do this to myself
I know you'll never care
you're too wrapped up in yourself
to notice anyone else.
Everytime we see each other
it's like World War III
we can never get along
every word ends up a scream
you yell and you bitch
nothing I do is ever good enough for you.
I should just forget about it
move on with my life
it's pointless to love
someone who hates me so.
My heart is sore from the loss of you
and I suppose it always will be
you are gone from my life
and I'm starting to regret that now.
You can't turn back time
to erase eighteen years of pain and tears
you're the one who screwed up
now you have to live with your shame.
You've always blamed me
and I've always believed you
now I see it's you whose wrong
but despite it all I've learned to be strong.
You nearly destroyed my life
and I'll never forgive you for that
but despite all the abuse you gave
I stood beside you all the same.
I regret it now
I shouldn't have given in
now I can only blame myself
as I watch you ruin those I love most.
I can't protect them, thought I've tried
I'm too far away
and I'm starting to realize that to save them
I must first save myself.
It's your fault they're so far gone
that the bright futures they once had ahead
are now just a whisper in the past
and for that I'll always hate you.
Still, I cry, for me and for you
because I'll think of the past
of the mom I once had
not this empty drugged-out shell
but mostly I cry for my brothers
the ones I love most of all.
The road I walk is lonely
paved from fragments of my heart
born from a lifetime of falling rain
of broken hearts and broken dreams.
Life is hard
and I am weak
I'm slowly dieing inside
my capacity to feel is almost gone.
I'm falling away
living in disgrace
nobody loves me
I don't even love myself.
I hide my shame
but I cannot ignore it
they all think they know me
but they don't even see me.
Days become weeks
Weeks fade into months
Months bleed into years
of my repeated sins
and all that remains
is an empty life of falling rain.
She's falling apart
dieing from a broken heart
crying herself to sleep everynight
all because he won't love her.
He's so cold, so hard,
he won't see what's right before his eyes
he uses his words to make her hurt
he doesn't want her to love him.
Its a classic tale
with a never-ending plot
the girl who loves too much
and the boy who can't love at all.
She's fading, her heart can't take no more
and he grows angrier with every word that falls from her lips.
Once they were friends,
but now that's in the past
because she fell in love with him
and he never wants to love again.
Happiness is my delusion
my smiles are all an illusion
the airs gone stale
and I can feel myself choking.
Anger is my happiest thought
there is no light to my dark
no hope for my despair
I no longer care much about anything.
Living has become my death
my own personal hell
to love and not be loved
is the worst kind of fate.
Daggers cutting into my skin
my favorite fantasy
a black cloud hangs overhead
teardrops pour like rain from my eyes
chained to this black misery
Death blooms in her head
sadness is all that she has left
no reason to smile, no reason to laugh
she is lost on a broken path.
The all think they know her
but no one really sees
the little girl that lives inside
the lonely soul that cannot find peace.
The little girl whose lost her life
the little girl who cries all night
she cannot sleep, she cannot dream
she finds it hard just to breathe.
She goes through her days broken-hearted
numb inside, not sure why she's still alive
she feels abandoned, she feels unloved
falling from the sky into obilivion.
What Could Have Been:
My eyes bleed tonight
from the wounds you have left on my heart
I know I shouldn't care so much
you were mine in the first place.
Still, my heart breaks
and my soul aches
I sit alone in the dark
weeping with the ghost of what could have been.
The memory of your smile stays with me in my dreams
and I weep and I scream
picking up the phone only to hang it up
wondering why it isn't me you want.
The sun is setting
and my hearts dieing
I wish that we had never met
I'm sick of wondering about what could have been.
My eyes are bleeding
bloody tears tonight
I'm so alone
so full of hate these days.
The seasons are changing
and I'm not caring anymore
wheter I live or die
'cause I know tonight I'm gonna cry.
I'm not sure if I'm still standing
or if I'm drifting closer to the ledge
I'm fading away from you and this life
moving closer to the end of my days.
You promised that you'd always be there
but that was all a lie
and I can't wait no more
for this pain to fade.
I am drifting away
waiting in vain for this pain to fade
waiting to make my escape
from this world, from this heartache.
I keep moving closer to the edge
wondering when I'll be ready to jump
wanting to feel myself fly
wondering if anyone will be there to catch me when I fall.
I'm sick of the lies, sick of the bullshit
that's always falling from your lips
no longer will I be deceived
I can see the hatred in your eyes.
I am fading
my heart is breaking
my soul is bleeding
and I can't breathe.
Everything is wrong
ever since I've been gone
I am falling apart
ready to dive off this ledge.