striveshare (striveshare) wrote in adeadpoet,
striveshare
striveshare
adeadpoet

the other side of suicide

My dear brother
i slowly squeak the door of your secrets ajar
I have read your suicide letters,
exposed to the world but not shared with those who, you think, don't care

They show a dark room so silent, so void
of the sounds of sharing,
of heart beats in tune with one another
dusk fills the windows
like a watercolor darkness

your choice, a dissection, a dissention
your spirit leaving and melding into the deep darkness outside the doors of the den
leaving a black hole in the fabric of the universe,
breaking the hall of souls that are meant to merge together in this life,
and the others before and after,
where we have met and
would have met again

I imagine that deep darkness inside
the silhouette of you at the window
my heart aches, loss, anger, pain
you have torn yourself away from the weave of the fabric which is me
like an evil eye, which came impulsively uninvited
shocking with the hatred that gleams with blame

when you chose to take yourself away
separate, cleave, without a hint or glint of
warning or care
that fabric of our family's life that was not,
but come undone by your unraveling
feelings like clothes puddled
on the scattered floor
in mottled swirling unclear shadow

the choice to take away the womb, the home,
the connection, the unfettered closeness,
your choice to change the truth as if it were always unmade

feelings like twisted vines
clenching, ripping away the spirit, the history,
the sharing, the laughter, the understanding
and roughly throwing it away

so it drifts apart as if scattered leaves
in the cold uncaring wind

My minds eye sees your life, a lonely journey
With a tattered blanket in shards of caked pain
groped around your shadowed shoulders
shaking, trembling under a shell of stoic attitude,
speechless bereavement and chosen loneliness

You have deliberately exposed the breakable nestlings of trust and love
to an ice storm, growing them cold
you turn away, by choice, eyes searching the darkness
across the earth for someone as good as you,

for I am not good enough for you in your perception now

but I still feel you my brother, inside of my soul
bouncing back and forth between my minds eyes
silent panic faces me, yet freezes me from reacting
you were not often the perfect brother,
I always forgave you
I am not always the perfect sister
you have not asked me to forgive you this time,
like the perfect sister would
so I may not

But at least I have learned that
we do the best we can with the tools we have
at the time
if we learn from our mistakes
then we forgive ourselves and love anyway,
do the most loving thing anyway, anyway, anyway,

no matter how often the imperfections are shown
and move with more agility away from our flawed past
the next time

muddy pools in your perception
reflect like clouded mirrors of the shattered light
glistening the mourning drops,
wallowing in the beauty of the desperation

full of stars that overflow
the rushing rivers of songs
with parts that linger inside of memory
of uncooked laughter and shared sweetness
held back from pouring into the room

the swirling moths of indistinct remembrances
lifting the tendrils of sadness
long thoughts and shallow faces, dark circled eyes
shredded into the blowing, billowing darkness
to caress with grief and mingle with your soul so insatiated

flittering, bittering in complete soundlessness,
reactionless, as if I no longer exist to you

slow motion, reminding,
anticipated memories unmade
i can't hold you, us, our family together
grief at your chosen dissection
carefully folded away
yet carelessly crumpled
like an eggshell sadly broken open

the dewdrops of tears skimming along
cascading over, step by step
as if through a woods, full, brimming with reminiscence

shards of cold slate
the sound it makes scraping against itself
like your voice scraping out the wordless sounds,
the sobs of unrecognizable words
so understood

evaporating into the darkness
leaving only an icy trickle of deep anguish

you so focused now in the hidden depth of interior borders and hollows
walls which deepen the agony deliberately
without sharing to help dissipate the power
someday to solidify into knots of braided pain

or scatter like effervescence
gone flat into fathoms of life without meaning
the depth of the family departed,
unbraided, unavailable, unloved
Undeserved

You have stolen the history of our
kindredness away
With thoughts of possible suicide,
you thought we deserved,
I deserved,
I think not,
it appears that you have lost your self and
are blaming it on your sisters
The next move is up to you

I yearn for your reply
but sadly you do not, or can not, or will not,
still I wait, forever if thats what it takes...

I love you, no matter what, and always will...
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