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16th January 2006

striveshare12:34am: the other side of suicide
My dear brother
i slowly squeak the door of your secrets ajar
I have read your suicide letters,
exposed to the world but not shared with those who, you think, don't care

They show a dark room so silent, so void
of the sounds of sharing,
of heart beats in tune with one another
dusk fills the windows
like a watercolor darkness

your choice, a dissection, a dissention
your spirit leaving and melding into the deep darkness outside the doors of the den
leaving a black hole in the fabric of the universe,
breaking the hall of souls that are meant to merge together in this life,
and the others before and after,
where we have met and
would have met again

I imagine that deep darkness inside
the silhouette of you at the window
my heart aches, loss, anger, pain
you have torn yourself away from the weave of the fabric which is me
like an evil eye, which came impulsively uninvited
shocking with the hatred that gleams with blame

when you chose to take yourself away
separate, cleave, without a hint or glint of
warning or care
that fabric of our family's life that was not,
but come undone by your unraveling
feelings like clothes puddled
on the scattered floor
in mottled swirling unclear shadow

the choice to take away the womb, the home,
the connection, the unfettered closeness,
your choice to change the truth as if it were always unmade

feelings like twisted vines
clenching, ripping away the spirit, the history,
the sharing, the laughter, the understanding
and roughly throwing it away

so it drifts apart as if scattered leaves
in the cold uncaring wind

My minds eye sees your life, a lonely journey
With a tattered blanket in shards of caked pain
groped around your shadowed shoulders
shaking, trembling under a shell of stoic attitude,
speechless bereavement and chosen loneliness

You have deliberately exposed the breakable nestlings of trust and love
to an ice storm, growing them cold
you turn away, by choice, eyes searching the darkness
across the earth for someone as good as you,

for I am not good enough for you in your perception now

but I still feel you my brother, inside of my soul
bouncing back and forth between my minds eyes
silent panic faces me, yet freezes me from reacting
you were not often the perfect brother,
I always forgave you
I am not always the perfect sister
you have not asked me to forgive you this time,
like the perfect sister would
so I may not

But at least I have learned that
we do the best we can with the tools we have
at the time
if we learn from our mistakes
then we forgive ourselves and love anyway,
do the most loving thing anyway, anyway, anyway,

no matter how often the imperfections are shown
and move with more agility away from our flawed past
the next time

muddy pools in your perception
reflect like clouded mirrors of the shattered light
glistening the mourning drops,
wallowing in the beauty of the desperation

full of stars that overflow
the rushing rivers of songs
with parts that linger inside of memory
of uncooked laughter and shared sweetness
held back from pouring into the room

the swirling moths of indistinct remembrances
lifting the tendrils of sadness
long thoughts and shallow faces, dark circled eyes
shredded into the blowing, billowing darkness
to caress with grief and mingle with your soul so insatiated

flittering, bittering in complete soundlessness,
reactionless, as if I no longer exist to you

slow motion, reminding,
anticipated memories unmade
i can't hold you, us, our family together
grief at your chosen dissection
carefully folded away
yet carelessly crumpled
like an eggshell sadly broken open

the dewdrops of tears skimming along
cascading over, step by step
as if through a woods, full, brimming with reminiscence

shards of cold slate
the sound it makes scraping against itself
like your voice scraping out the wordless sounds,
the sobs of unrecognizable words
so understood

evaporating into the darkness
leaving only an icy trickle of deep anguish

you so focused now in the hidden depth of interior borders and hollows
walls which deepen the agony deliberately
without sharing to help dissipate the power
someday to solidify into knots of braided pain

or scatter like effervescence
gone flat into fathoms of life without meaning
the depth of the family departed,
unbraided, unavailable, unloved
Undeserved

You have stolen the history of our
kindredness away
With thoughts of possible suicide,
you thought we deserved,
I deserved,
I think not,
it appears that you have lost your self and
are blaming it on your sisters
The next move is up to you

I yearn for your reply
but sadly you do not, or can not, or will not,
still I wait, forever if thats what it takes...

I love you, no matter what, and always will...

6th January 2006

ragdollsymphony4:11am:

I HopeCollapse )

ragdollsymphony3:23am: -Heavens Moment In The Sun-

When she breathes its heaven
and When she speaks its grace
As she brightens all the light
With the smile on her face.
When her eyes bloom like Orchids
And her hair falls like rain
The river of her body flows
With all of beautys pain.
As I lay next to her
And hear her heaven rise
Ill hope for grace once again
And gaze where Orchids lie,
Praying to whomever answers
To which ever way faith bends
That her heaven will last forever,
And that this moment never ends.

4th December 2005

tack_the_great10:06pm: My thoughts, when translated
Keep my mind fixated
On many of the things I had once wished to forget
Yesterdays memories
At dawn's early revelie
Remind me of decisions I will always regret
Painstaking care
In breathing thick air
Under the scrutinizing stares
Of past times that I have come to lament

Stepping outside becomes a chore
Wincing at the sharp slam of a door
Birdsongs sounding so empty inside
What was once loved, now despised

Looking carefully, it's clear
With each passing year
The days become filled with more torment
Though it remains unsure
Tainted, unpure
Of a way in which I will direct
These infectious dreams
Frayed, cut seams
Oh how it felt to be serene,
But it'll never be that way again, I suspect

Listening to tales of forgotten lore
The imagination becomes increasingly sore
Trying to focus on the words of the wise
Only feed the severity with which I despise
These feelings
The reelings
Of my back and forth damnation
Even an abomination
Deserves some kind of peace.

26th November 2005

ragdollsymphony3:57pm:

The Way People BendCollapse )

14th November 2005

frgmentaryblues8:19pm: Hidden

Hidden behind a self-made cloak,
A fantasy made to allure.
A life what's been forgotten,
For the poor little whore.
It's easier to live the lie,
Then to ever acknowledge the truth.
The passion that erupted the soul,
Ignited the dying screams of youth.
Conscience became the bitter enemy,
And love, it's dying ember.
Feelings once so important,
seemed too hard to remember.
Spoiled in her earnings,
Carefree with her life,
She trotted on forthcoming,
Indignant to any strife.
losing bit by bit,
the heart that once was hers,
The new persona took on,
Convincing in its false lures.
A mere reflection of it's former self,
The predator sought her prey...
Innocence but a memory,
She is not what she says.

*You may have seen this poem under my other username: eastcoastreject

26th September 2005

ragdollsymphony4:20pm: -For A Friend-

We kneel before the altar of humanity
And ask for compassion,
Only to be struck down and forgotten,
Believing all is lost,
Because everything seems that way.
Death is what turns boys to men?
No,
Life is, and life does.
It is not how we die that defines
us in the end, but how we lived.
We all have our blood to bleed,
And our crosses to bare.
Why men are envied by angels?
Because
Both have the essence of life,
But death, the time limit,
makes it all so much more beautiful.
No moments are relived, and many are left behind.
In the end, there is only the end,
Which starts something fresh and new, a
Begining.

20th September 2005

ragdollsymphony3:14pm: this is not a poem, but something I found funny and ironically true...
Im in a class called poetry today, with a wonderful teacher named mr. guilfoyal, who was telling us a story about a collage professor he had for his poetry class. He was telling us because some one asked how long our poems should be for the piece we had to write, and he told us this story that he had once asked this same question, and his professor said,

"it should be like a womans skirt: long enough to cover the subject, but short enough to keep it interesting."

I found that hilariously true...

10th September 2005

ragdollsymphony2:41pm: -Ive Been-

Ive been seen as a liar
Ive been seen as a cheat
Ive been seen as a maniac
Ive been seen as a freak
Ive been seen as a scum bag
Ive been seen as white trash
Ive been seen as a scrub
and classified a sociopath
Ive lived next to crack dens
Ive have smoked some midis
Ive been in the places
you see driving through inner cities
Ive lived where every one has there hand on a trigger
I may not be black but Ive been seen as the nigger
Ive been seen as the poor kid
Ive been the one picked last
Ive been in a cop car
Ive had to run fast
Ive seen all the violence
Ive seen all the outrage
Ive been locked in a 6 by 6 steel cage
Ive seen all the hatred
Ive seen all the racist
Ive seen all the politics
with weapons of ingnorance
Ive broken hearts
And Ive broken promises
Ive been only human
Ive seen the truth and the lies and the bull shit
Ive been through death
Ive been through slit wrists
Ive been through pistols
and times Ive thought I should use it
Ive been through suicide
Ive been the faithless
Ive been the bad guy
Ive been the faceless
Ive seen the homeless
Ive lit the matches
Ive seen my friends die
Marked with heroin scratches
Ive seen the ugly the good and the bad
Ive gotten in fist fights with my asshole dad
Ive been beaten and stabbed
Ive been left alone
Ive been pushed and grabbed
Ive been unknown
Ive been forgotten
Ive been to late
Ive been a criminal
Ive had to wait
Ive been shot at
Ive stolen when hungry
Ive seen the problems
Ive seen all that can be
Ive seen all the cruelty
From all of the world
Ive seen the same thing
In second grade boys and girls
Ive been to drunk
And Ive seen all this stuff
I have no regrets
I havent lived enough

4th September 2005

suicidalluvpoem7:49pm: Alone Again
Alone is a concept that's all too familiar;

I've spent a lifetime alone in the shadows

abused by those who promised to cherish

ignored by everyone else,

yet so easilyI laughed at their hurtful words

while inside I wept burning tears

how easily they've pushed me aside

when all I've ever wanted was their love....

But they don't care

nobody ever has

I'm as easily forgotten as the rain of yesteryear.
Current Mood: gloomy

18th June 2005

deadpoet8:25pm: June contest is cancelled
Since no one posts in here I can't see wasting my time and money making stupid contests. If we start getting people posting poetry again maybe I'll start them back up.

1st June 2005

deadpoet4:55am: Contest winners for May and new contest for June.
prettyinparties and blizardridar tied for the monthly contest. Each will get a 6 month subscription to LJ. This brings up a point that I hadn't really thought of. Not that it will ever happen but, I was thinking what to do in case of ties? While a few LJ paid subscriptions wouldn't be too much of a bother, I could see if I got more than a few where it could be a problem. So this month's (June) contest will be for a 6 month paid LJ subscription to the sn of your choice for most poems posted, with the disclaimer that in case of ties a tie breaker may be used to determine a winner. Ok that said and done, I need to hear back which name to put the paid subscriptions on.

Thank you for participating.
deadpoet

24th May 2005

blizardridar5:12pm: Without You
Dedicated to Kevin and Ian, I love you guys

Sitting up late at night,
Candle light flickers off a hollow face.
Empty eyes gaze out the window.
I’ve given up on the godforsaken human race.

I’m white as a host,
Shining eyes glow with tears.
The moonlight casts a halo on my face,
The world is giving ‘way to my worst fears.

I bury my face in my hands,
Blocking out the light.
I cry out in pain
Because my heart won’t give up this fight.

With my shadow blue eyes I gaze,
Blindly at the stars.
Where my heart just wants to touch them,
My head screams that it’s too far.

In my head I hear your voice,
The one that has draped the chains across my heat.
And yes I can’t stop loving you.
It’s tearing me apart.

I’m afraid to love anymore.
But I guess I’m more afraid to loose.
Between loving you and living life,
You’re now forcing me to choose.

So as you slip away,
I stand frozen in this spot,
Why are you doing this?
Was this some grand and schemeing plot?

Did you do it all to hurt me?
Is this just a joke to you>
Is every thing you said a lie?
I once thought it was true…

So no matter what I’m dreaming.
I’m living her without you.
And I wish I could forget,
But my heart can’t find the strength too…


R&R please

13th May 2005

babyturnsblue7:59am: Contest
One of my older poems. Haven't written any in awhile :(
"Fiend"
We meet again,
Isolation in my room.
A trusty pen,
Plotting doom.

Oh the silence,
Scratch the door.
Thoughts of violence,
Nevermore.

A faint creak,
An eerie light.
To scared to speak,
I slip out of sight.

I whimper a plea,
Oh convoy of death.
Maniacal glee,
As you steal my breath.

I'll post the rest later when I can actually open them :P

1st May 2005

deadpoet4:13am: The May contest
The May contest will be for a 6 months paid Live Journal account. The person who posts the most poems in the month of May will win. Start posting!
deadpoet4:08am: Winner of the April contest waaaas,...
blizardridar won the April contest for the most poems posted. They will get a years paid subscrition to Live Journal. Please let me know what sn you would like it on. Congratulations!

25th April 2005

blizardridar6:42pm: Never

Always the friend,
But never the best friend.
Always the girl,
But never the girl friend.
Always the dreamer,
Never the dreamed.
Always the shadow,
Never the famed.
You’ll see my in the crowd,
But never on the stage.
I’ll never be the main character,
Just the reader who turns the page.
I’ll be on the outside,
Always looking in.
Look behind me for footstep,
And you’ll see no trace of where I’ve been.
I live just in memory
A small piece of the past.
They’ll always forget me,
A few minutes after I have passed.
And yet I find the strength,
To be okay with that.
For some are meant to be remembered,
To be strong and smiled at.
While other are meant solely,
To exist and then forget.
To live a life full of loss
But never
Once
Feel
Regret.

R&R? I wrote it today in english after my best friend asked out the guy I had fallen in love with and he came up to me and asked me to tell her yes and then thanked me for always being his best friend.
suicidalluvpoem1:35pm: Your Fault
You couldn't know
because you can't see
like everyone else
you're blind to me.

The tears that I cry
are well hidden behind
my false smile,
because I'll never let you witness
any weakness in me.

Ripped at the seams
are all of my hopes and dreams
of having a family
loving and together
and though you'd never admit it dear mother
it's your fault that we've fallen apart,
your fault that I'm broken.

19th April 2005

suicidalluvpoem4:54pm: Torn
Thoughtless wonders
that pour from my pen
the hopeless ramblings
of loves hopeless fool,
brought on by
nostalgic whims
and the desire to see your smile
just one last time.

Fragmented memories
still clear as glass
remembering things said and done
but forgetting the face
so unintentionally loved.

You were the one glitch
in my grand plan
to live a life free and clear
of heartache and tears,
the dagger shoved into a heart
so often abused
cutting out the charred remains
of innocence lost long ago.
Current Mood: cold
blizardridar5:55pm: I was asked to do a presentation at my friends school on SI and this was my closing. R&R?

My eyes

I stand before you,
No more than a girl.
I’m just a girl,
With ice blue eyes.
I have cherry pink lines,
That scatter my wrist.
These scars,
They make me different from everyone else.
These patterns,
Etched into my skin,
Etched into my heart.
They show all the times
That I’ve been broken.

All the times I’ve broken myself,
I’m not strong.
Everyone says that I am,
But I’m only strong on the outside.
This skin that resists bruises,
That hides scars so well,
This mouth which has learned to smile,
Even when these eyes hide back tears.

But no more.
The razor blade has disappeared
From my mind.
But the cherry red lines remain.
But please,
Stop looking at my wrists.
Instead look at my eyes.
See past my eyes were my sanctuary resides.
See into who I am,
The little girl inside.
She’ll tell you more than you ever wanted to know.
And then take her hand
And she’ll hold you in an embrace.

And from that embrace,
You shall enter her heart.
And from there outward shall you see.
Outward lies the world,
Outward lies the truth.

See the world through my eyes,
See the world in shades of blue.
See the world in shades of green.
See the world as it really is.
See the world through a cutter’s eyes.

Breathe in the air,
As you see it blow through my eyes.
Feel the rough bark,
Of the trees as you watch the woods through my eyes.
Smell the rich earth,
As it grows in front of my eyes.
Live the world
Through my eyes.
Look through the eyes of a cutter,
Who finally beat the razor blade.
Just look though my eyes.

3rd April 2005

blizardridar3:51pm: Her Eyes

The words she said,
Shattered his heart.
He couldn’t hear this,
Couldn’t deal.
Her eyes were so
Clear blue, shining and real.
And filled with
Tears.
As he gazed into those crystalline eyes,
Framed with diamond covered lashes.
“sometimes I wonder
if it would have just been
easier
if you had never taken that
gun away.”
His heart broke as she embraced him.
She pulled away
And gazed at him.
All the pain the world can hold,
Came pouring out from behind those diamond lashes,
And all rushed into him,
As those glass blue eyes cried.

Something I wrote for a friend of mine. R&R
deadpoet6:34pm: Winner of the March Contest
Winner of the March Contest was ragdollsymphony Congratulations! He gets a year's paid Live Journal subscription.

2nd April 2005

ragdollsymphony1:36pm: The House by The Sea
-The House By The Sea-

In the house by the sea
Where the air is crisp with the mourning breeze
And the twilight sky clashes with the white top waves
While the birds are perched and the sunlight sways
In the house by the sea
Where the clouds are pink and purple haze
And the ocean makes a bluish lace
And the rocks make ther glossy face
In the house by the sea
More then one passer by
Guided by stars in the sky
Hears the winds distant cry
In the house by the sea
The light appears to be slaight gray
And yet more silver after may
Colors faded always stay
In the house by the sea
Red roofed and lighted
Looking somewhat delighted
As its song is resighted
In the house by the sea
Present past and future taunted
All theses days that its been haunted
Those who died are those who found it
In the house by the sea
There anger is rising
Thoughts still devising
Restless spirits still are fighting
In the house by the sea
Some have left and some arnt leaving
With the dead there is no reasoning
And these fools will soon be grieving
In the house by the sea
On there knees they sit there begging
And the Heavens hear them sobbing
Drenched with sweat there hearts throbbing
In the house by the sea
Ghosts appearing in there dreams
Leave this house by the sea
And we shall spare thee
In the house by the sea
So they left, sights all seen
Air and ocean, sky and fiends
Leaving lands glittered and gleamed
And the house by the sea

1st April 2005

voidess11:17pm: Some thoughts on my mind
Title: A talk with myself

Before it was easier
Before it was natural
Before it was happy
Now it's hard
Now it's uncomfortable
Now it's sad
Today i'll try to stay calm
Today i'll try to be a better person
Today i'll try to make the best of things
And tomorrow i will regret
And the next day i'll scream
And next week i'll forget all about my frustrations, headaches, and sorrows
Because I do the best with what i'm given.

Title: A question

Who's to say what happiness is.

Title: A wish list

If i could throw out all my responsiblites
If i could take the longest vacation possible
If i could ignore all the idiots of our society
If i could live for free
If i could love my job
If i could love myself
If i could love you more
If i could spend more time with my family and friends
If i could, I would.
Current Mood: tired
blizardridar9:01pm: Hi, I'm new... I'm a recovering cutter... so that's what alot of my poem are about. Or most I guess I should say. Anything I post here, feel free to Read and review or flame, I appreciate any input!

Blackness Within

Blackness within.
Shadows are growing.
Dreams are beginning
To fray.
Shards are sinking,
Sinking into warm pale skin.
But just below the surface
Of the procelin skin,
Red blood rushes.
But with her crystal eyes
And gemstone tears.
The little girl’s fears are born.
Her innocence flees
Without chance of salvation.
Black bruises rise forth,
From where his fists struck hard.
Her heart aches.
Her blood flows
From newly sliced skin.
The light of the sun
Is overshadowed by the
Blackness within.

The Point

What’s the point of living?
In a world that hurts so bad…
Where even the truest of loves,
Last no longer than the latest fad…

A place where a second ago,
Your newest enemy was still your oldest friend.
Where the faster your heart breaks,
The longer it takes to mend.

A place where the real you
is just a figure of speech,
A person you’d like to meet,
If only they weren’t a step out of reach…

A place where you walk through the day,
And ignore the sun shining bright,
But walk through the night blind,
Only dreaming of starlight.
Live everyday in the twilight.

Untitled
Dedicated to Ian

Lost and alone
In a vast blue sea,
Eyes as blue as the sapphire coast,
Send out their silent plea.
Crying out so loud,
With words so few can hear.
Eyes singing out,
Songs full of fear.
I reach out for you hand,
But you seem so far away.
There’s nothing I can do,
There’s nothing you can say.
You’ll never understand…
God, it hurts so bad.
I’m so afraid of doing this,
Afraid that you’ll be mad.
I cannot face you,
Not like this,
I want you to remember me as I was,
Your darling little sis.

And so I return to this place,
That I’ve been so many times before.
All those times, with the world,
I’ve had to settle a score.
I picked up the blade,
Ran it through my hand.
I suddenly felt like a whole new person.
A foreigner from a distant land.
And a I pressed the blade down,
I let out a sigh,
More much better this felt,
Than sitting to cry…

But as the blood seeped through,
I looked to the shelf,
And all of a sudden,
The tears came.
I couldn’t live with myself.
For there on the shelf,
Sat your school picture
And I dropped the blade
And my vision shifted to a blur.
The promise I made,
Just rang through my head,
“I’ll never leave you, I promise”
That’s what I said.
And as I look at your picture
Framed by the frost of the windows behind.
Only one thought occurs as I toss the blade into the trash.
I’m sorry.
But all blood dries…
Current Mood: bored
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